Obviously, my best fics are those where there are dark themes and angst. Somehow, I don't think I mind that.

When I think about it, I know for sure that I'm probably in need to drop a few of my characters but all my characters each have their own thing going on and I want to see them through. However, ideally, it might be better to drop those that I lost my interest for despite the fact I have plots planned and stuff.

Actually, when I think of it more, I'm more or less willing to actually drop the game all together. Yeah, so there's a Silverbolt in that game which is utterly fantastic, but still, I was thinking of it before that one came around and hell, I would love to stay in the game but I don't think it's a direction I want to stay in much longer.

I've been even snooping around to find other games that are less sex-centric to play in. I don't know, I like the people, I like the idea but I don't know anymore. I'm less inclined to be in there because I don't know, things. Personal stuff, lack of interest, etc.

So yeah, I might be dropping a few of my characters and just keep to two or three, depending and try my hand at say, Damned or something. Who knows. They're good people, over all, and great players, even the few that do tend to annoy me.

I miss playing one-on-one with people, or two-on-one. I like group RPs when I'm not supposed to be social often despite some of my characters being social. Things come up and it's either personal stuff or shit that holds a person back. I hate character-sitting and yet I feel that's what I'm doing with some of my characters though the plots I have in mind are interesting. They'll be better people at those characters than me.

I don't know what I want to do anymore in this game. I'm more than half tempted to create that game that I first thought of before seeing Watchmen for the first time.

I miss writing and I don't think I can RP and write at the same time. That game is not as fastpaced as it used to be, kind of and there's a curse I've been wanting to see come to fruit but these ideas, these plots, they can easily be pushed to the side and just disappear just like everything else I think of. Dust in the wind, I suppose.

I'm not writing this because I'm feeling low--I'm not. I'm indifferent but at the same time I'm good, I'm sane, I'm cheery about somethings. I'm not depressed which is probably good indication that I do have good reason to think about this. I'm not going to hiatus again. Not too soon. I need to do something refreshing. Reset a character maybe, I don't know. Work things out though there isn't anything I can't work out by myself. Work things out by talking to certain people? Yeah, I'm gonna have to do that but at the same time I don't want to which only means that I should.

First of all, I'm trying something different this week by not interacting with the usual characters, if possible. I'm gonna just try to wing it out with the different ones and see what happens, create out-of-fandom relationships and try to avoid castmates if possible--except for SilverBolt for that one curse.

Second, I'm going to try and see if I can actually do more than what I have been doing, try to stay another week, another month.

Third, plan things out and maybe actually do work on that one application for Damned. I'm tired of just having to play in Amat now which is fine but my mind needs to be refreshed and fuck it, I need a new game, a new dynamic.

Fourth, I'm going to try and write at least for thirty minutes a day. About anything. Fanfic, original, anything.


Also, Midterm on Wednesday. Have to study for that.

Kind of hard to believe it's here already.

I'm tired, I'm indifferent. I hate you. I hate you so much right now it's not even funny. You're lying to me and I know you are because I post what you said to someone who actually knows what went out from you mouth. You're stubborn, irrational, controlling and so ego-centric.

I'm sorry that my plot doesn't please you and makes everyone go wtf, it's something that I feel I need to do to fix a mistake I made in characterization back in December, a mistake and a hole in characterization that I intend to remedy. I'm a fixer, I need to fix things. I need to make them right. It's just that obsessive compulsive part of me. I need to do some of the things I do because it works out in my head and I refuse to stop because you don't like it. I set a ball in motion and I'm going to see this through to the end.

You badmouth me to others and I don't give a shit, I'm used to feeling that everyone has a gun aimed for my head. Yeah, fuck you. FUCK YOU SO UTTERLY MUCH.

You wouldn't even go to my FACE and ask me what my reasons are. You think if you wait me out you'll get them because I'm so going to go on my knees and beg for forgiveness? Yeah right. I'm prideful and I'm spiteful and I can hold a grudge forever. I want you gone. I don't think I even like your character anymore. I don't think I like you as a person. You want something go after someone else.

The world and the game does not revolve around you.

CRAP!!

I'm so going to fail this class. ;_; Hopefully my other classes will help me recover GPA-wise. Need to retake this course next semester.

A real book, mind you. A real honest to goodness, in-print, original book. Actually, I am thinking of writing two books. One being an autobiography of myself though I doubt anyone would really be interested in something like that. It's not as if I dealt with drugs, alcohol addiction or anything really serious. But it'll make me feel better and I think I'll try to get that published. Somehow. Maybe. I don't know yet.

The other idea is to do some research around Orange County and do a book about the Paranormal myths, legends and facts. Ghost stories. You know, like the hauntings in the Huntington Beach High School auditorium. I tried looking for books that bothered with OC but I couldn't really find them but I wasn't really looking for them, just on the shelves, you know?

I found this ad inside a book I was reading at Barnes and Noble. It was asking for local writers willing to write Paranormal novels about local stories. Why not? I enjoy the subject and maybe others will too.

I think I will write a book.

I found a few of my secrets today on one of those submission comms. They were posted. I'm not surprised by some of the reactions. I'm not going to defend myself because I knew exactly what they were going to do. I'm actually... relieved. Seriously relived to get it off my chest and get some negative reactions--even the one about half of the people in the game are waiting for me to drop.

Sorry people, I'm having too much fun breaking your brains even if my choice of character-version conflicts with what is the norm and besides, what is the fun in playing the norm? I thought when you applied to this game, you would be more open-minded because it is out of the norm. Guess it doesn't mean shit when you're still thinking I am in the wrong.

I guess, I finally grew some self-esteem or maybe I'm just really, really numb. Probably the latter. I want to talk to someone about this. Really talk to someone. I don't want to drop and I am having fun. I don't care what people thought. Not anymore because seriously? It's not like someone is trying to actively bash my character in the unlike what others are doing to another mun.

I think because I don't really make my muse go out to talk to others, that's why there is no in-game bashing. And the people who supposedly do have a problem with my character, probably aren't ever going to bother with me about this.

Of course I can always deny that secret was from me. There are other characters that it could be explained for. I actually encountered someone trying to play that character, not that I thought they did a good portrayal but it was good, per se. I don't think I'll say anything unless I'm addressed about it. That sounds like a good choice because right now, I don't think I want to defend myself.

I guess... I'll be crying about this later and rethink a few things. Or not. It's not a big deal. I'm not actively trying to make a fight. I'm just playing a character the same way I think they would've been played, no matter how out-of-the-norm they could be. I think the people who protest much are those who are only exposed to the movie version, which I could've played but chose not to.

I'm not playing for their enjoyment, I'm playing for my own and because my character has a few friends in the game, it makes me happy enough to not drop. I'm not in any other RPs anymore because I like the one I'm in now. It's interesting and I don't make a point to draw attention to myself more than I should. I can easily be ignored, my character can be easily be ignored.

Don't mind me, don't look at me, don't interact with my character if you detest them. Stop staying in the phase of looking at me and my character in a wtf-crack manner.

I think when people think outside the box, people become scared and frightened and lash out angrily. I think when confronted with outside the norm, they try to use conventional means to get whatever it is back to the norm. I think when they can't do that, they lash out in anger and refuse to listen. I think because I choose to play my character by acknowledging a loophole in the canon, they do not want to bother with it. It's not to the point of me, needing to be dropping this character to feel comfortable but for them to feel comfortable.

The people I talk to, the people that enjoy my character, they're really open-minded. They are amused, intrigued, they like what I am doing. Unless they're lying to me outright which I hope is not the case, I feel like I don't care what others think because there are those who would actually come to my defense. I'm not someone who likes to take it at face-value all the time.

Most of the time, I want to pick at things, do strange abnormal things to something to get to the core. I like the process of evolving. I like development.

I like playing my character as they are because I want to because I know there is more to it than what people think at first.

I think my indifference is gone.

...I'm... happy.

Just need to finish up his history, personality and appearance. Everything else is rather easy but... yeah. History probably needs a bit more tweaking to keep it more different from the comics since I'm going AU on him...

...I shall molest anyone who picks up Steve Rogers in the game I'm "thrusting" Tony into. Maybe even... marry him/her if they are willing to slash Cap with my Tony... God, the chances of that are so slim. -__-;; Oh well. At least I'll have fun with Tony.

HE WON'T GO AWAY! AND I FOUND A PERFECT COMMUNITY TO PLANT HIM! DAMN YOU IRON MAN!!!

I refuse to RolePlay as Tony Stark because I don't know much of the true canon other than what I can find from the internet and if I should fail in resisting playing Tony Stark, I want to actually read the material... Even the bad parts. Worser still, I want a Steve Rogers to play of my Tony Stark should I find myself applying as him in some RolePlaying game.


DAMN YOU IRON MAN MOVIE!!!

This week, well starting yesterday, it seems that the entire world is out to get me. I guess it's Karma in a way since I've been so utterly hyper for the last two weeks, straight. That's unusually. I normally have some one day highs, or just hours, but never two weeks without some sort of reason. There was no reason for it. I have no idea how it happened or why.

Karma's just kicking my ass.

That's reason enough I think. Yeah... that could be it. Equivalent Exchange or something. Whatever.

Anyway, I'm feeling somewhat depressed. Somewhat. I just got two messages from people. One saying that I'm ripping her off and on looking back, what I did was more or less ripping her off but is also something out of character for my character, as well. Squall does not lecture for more than two hours when teaching. Not unless he has to. Plus it's Force Fields he's teaching. It would be an action course, all practice. He'll make it like Hell Week is for the Military, only it'll last all semester. So I got that fixed. Just need to literate it in a Syllabus though it'll be thankfully shorter than the last.

The Second was that I'm being OoC with my Cagalli muse at Aphyon. Hell, I know that now. She's too happy but I could easily fix that by having her post that it was an experiment to help with problem there. "Try to act happy and maybe it will go away." It's irrational in a way but it also fits for her, not that she's actually one of those science geeks but with school not starting, what could she do besides lay around in bed? Nothing.

Third, I got rejected again. I didn't even bother looking at their reason. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Roy's history. I'll try one more time before giving up but fuck it. I'm going to make him teach Channelling if this one goes through. Matter Transmutation eats my brain and at least I can get away by having Roy make his students meditate so he can go ahead and be lazy about his class. Plus, if you take away the alchemy, all he has is intense focusing ("chanelling") ability, right? Yes.

I will admit having Fem!Vergil at Jardin is helping slightly. I can be a bitch and it's reasonable. Unlike in Aphyon at the moment. Squall's too mature for it. Cagalli could but only if Athrun is involved. She's really emotionally insecure about herself though she's trying to get over that.

Later, after I take a nap and eat, I guess I'll work on what I need to do. I'm really tired today and yesterday. No energy at all. Guess the stress is catching up with me. Me being Hyper without reason is not good. >>;

Granddad's death anniversary is coming (more like less than 35 minutes from the time of this post) and surprisingly... I'm happy. Or at least I'm more emotionally stable around this hour than I have been in the last few years. Going through a real bi-polar or at least some Maniac roller coaster for the last few days somewhat helped but I'm not sure if that is something that I should be happy about since well... I had a falling out with a good friend. A very good friend but I'm more rational than I was soon after, and that's what counts.

Watching Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex: Solid State Society helps a lot right now and at the moment I'm watching Appleseed the 2004 movie. I watched a bit of Mirage of Blaze (the first dvd) earlier too and I can't help but think that for some "depressing" or "dark" flicks, I feel more alive than I have been in the last... week, however it might have something to do with the fact that I just watched Togusa almost commit suicide while holding his little girl's hand (well... he did pull the trigger but the Major saved him at the last possible second).

It's definitely one of my favourite scenes of that movie and well... more than that really. I think it is my favourite scene ever in that movie. Not the series though since I have a few favourites but it's high up there. I'm still boycotting the OVAs of SAC. I can't get over the fact that they went to new people to dub the OVAs. It should be the original cast of the SAC in my opinion. They were what made me fall in love with the story line at first but then again it's CRISPIN FREEMAN in the main cast or at least in one of the more dynamic character slots of the Stand Alone Complex series. Mary Elizabeth McGlynn is another favourite of mine. She really gets the Major's voice down completely although her Kurenai could use some work in Naruto. Doesn't help that both characters look somewhat the same.

But I'm digressing. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that life is short and there are few suicide (attempts and actual) in media that I can bring up into the forefront of my mind and just affect me more than I think it should but then again it's Suicide.

Togusa is one of my favourite characters of all time. He's a real down-to-earth family guy who doesn't quite know where he fits in the series but somewhat finds a better footing in the SSS movie. The fact that he was willing to kill himself so he doesn't let his daughter get abducted and cyberized (brains are basically like computers in this anime's universe but everyone starts off as a Natural (normal human) until they become cyberized by implementing technology into their bodies and for some, become actual cyborgs (by choice or necessity)) or even let her lose her memories of him and her mother and brother. He also chose to kill himself so he won't lose the memories of her.

Now that is a devotion I could love to have in my life and for the most part I'm conscious of the fact that I do have that from my own parents though we reasonably don't show it like that.

I take my relationships with people for granted for the most part, if not always. It's most apparent in my opinion when I think of my Granddad. I wish I can say it's just that week. That it's all in my head. That everything wrong with me could be originated from that one incident toward the end of the sixth grade but it's not.

We are always evolving and sometimes we need to be irrational and selfish. Sometimes we need to remember who we are and what we try to make ourselves to be. It's a hard balancing act for sure. There's always some role we have to play with people, certain people. There's the student, the friend, the role-player, the leader, the follower, the reclusive and finally the arrogant. It doesn't look like we are changing but each day is different than the last, no matter how much it looks the same.

Deleting my main journal and going back into some hiding with only one friend to talk to (darktwister754, who I would like to thank immensely for just being there with me and just talk like we used to do even though it's been probably months since we talked last.) online and the rest being just mental conversations with myself and the occasional small talk with my dad, I want to say that I feel more at ease with myself, more secure but I know from past experiences that doesn't necessarily mean that everything is alright in the world. I'm only one person who wants to believe the world revolves around him or her but who hasn't in the past or even in the present? We're all ego-centric at any time of our lives if not always though I hope that's not the case.

Life for me at the moment is just getting through it one day at time, honestly. I have nothing else that really motivates me other than writing which at times could be strenuous. I don't have any real friends that I talk to that are nearby without reaching for the internet or a cellphone as they are about an hour or more away from where I am and obviously are busy with their own lives to be concerned by my problems. Paul had mentioned it once that I should go see someone professional and at times I want to say that I do but I always manage to convince myself not to or at least forget about it.

Help is there when I want it and I'm not good at explaining myself or my problems. Always had. I don't do it to please people, or consciously I don't see that in myself. I find it's better to be passive which, I know is not the case. I can be assertive but I see my assertiveness to be more than I would like. I'm not good at balancing my choices and decisions about communicating with other people. I would hope that someday I am. Perhaps not this year but hopefully in the near future.

When I say I'm not the most sanest of people or the most stable. I mean it. I know my problems, at least on the surface. Taking psychology tests and taking psychology 100 in college as well as in High School does wonders on what you later learn about yourself. Speech Communication 100 also helps as well in my case. I know my communication problems as well as my psychological ones but just because I recognize them does not mean that I have not, or I will not be able to move onwards and try to "fix" them so immediately. Things take time and I wish I could say that I don't have the time to do it but I know I do and if not, I usually make time for other things.

In the end, it would only seem that I'm making up excuses and perhaps I am. Regardless, I see myself as I am and though I do not like it, at times (the majority, to be truthful), I do not see a way to change, to become someone that I would like. Anything that I perceive worth something, I almost immediately find faults and ways to degrade it, making something into nothing.

Yet, I want meaning. I want to know that people do care about what I think and what I say rather than being the quiet one in the corner. I have all the ways to kill myself at my disposal but I don't do it for one reason alone. I want the next day to be better and be more worth it. I don't know what else to say about that and frankly, the one time I actually came close I never even bothered to attempt despite planning it out and very, specific detail which I won't mention now since I know I'm past that. It's been a long hard road to get where I am and hopefully, I am on the right track.

Taking these last three days for myself had been an experience which I hope not to repeat again but under extreme cases. We are all social beings and even with only Teal'c (or 7eaL as he prefers to be called) as a link of communication other than my father (who comes home late and is very tired when he arrives) and school (where I play the role of only the student and nothing else), I have to admit that this has been perhaps more than I am used to. I can't really remember a time where I hadn't someone else to talk to about random things and nothings. I miss that most of all these last few days. Role-playing is not something to be 24/7, no matter how much one might think it and there really isn't no way to use that one hobby alone to establish contact with others.

There are other interests that should be lively in the relationships you have with others but you have to remember that sometimes even when you don't know what to say, that you need a good laugh or an icebreaker. Reading and discussing something you read is also good. Being without the internet isn't the end of the world, though it might seem like it. Being without Role-playing is definitely not that either. Knowing who you can trust, who you can care about and know the feeling is mutual is better. Talking is more than just one thing in your life.

It's how you survive. You can only do so much alone.

Realizing we have worth in our lives, acknowledging that even good relationships and friendships must end and at times it's no fault of your own, knowing that life moves on with or without you and that you're so much of a part of a bigger picture that although your place in that view is so small that you do create ripples that can and probably do affect other people. Remembering that and remembering that modesty and honesty could really lead you to a better life, is just something to good to know but better when you act.

My mother has been gone and will continue to be gone until only six days before my birthday. Today may or may not be the longest time she's been away from and perhaps that's why I'm emotional. She's usually here when today comes around and we usually do some remembering of Granddad.

Hopefully, at the end of you reading this, you learned something about perhaps, not me but of yourself and that you can learn to evolve into someone you want to be and like that person.

Deleting my main journal was an act of irrationality but even then, we all deserve to be irrational and go really insane but you have to realize the times when you can be that really.



Deunan Knute: To Try and Grasp the Future Ourselves
- Appleseed, 2004 Film Incarnation




Rest in Peace and May Your Soul find Everlasting Paradise
Leonard P. Cayetano
Died February 14, 2002

You know... I'm really happy sometimes that I have this journal with a whole lot of limited people knowing about it. Sure, I mentioned and gave a link to my mom but it's not like she comments on the stuff I write so I'm fairly sure she has forgotten about this. Sure, that I have hardly any friends on this journal and that two of them are my real life buds and the others are just people I know I can trust online but don't talk to on a daily basis anymore.

I guess... I kinda enjoy the fact that no one... really knows about this. Or rather the majority, anyway.

It's the Eleventh you know? Three more days until Valentines Day. Cheery? Hardly. I know I get somewhat depressed during these days prior to that day and it's not because of broken hearts and what not. Nothing intimate relationship wise. My granddad is dead. He died on the Fourteenth, about roughly less than a quarter past three o' clock, or around that time. You get my drift. He's dead. He died on V-day. I get depressed.

The thing is that it hurts more than it should, at least in my opinion. I never really... did give a good "Goodbye" that really addressed to him before he actually died. I ran from the room just seconds before he passed on. I was in the second floor of the Cancer center's waiting room, staring at the ceiling as he... moved on. Our relationship wasn't close. I took him for granted and hell, I wish I didn't but I was a kid back then. I was just a freshman in high school and despite all my ideology and trials at being an "Adult" I was a kid. A fuckin' kid that was too naive and didn't care about anything else but herself.

At times... I guess I still am that fuckin' kid. It's... almost like I have to be that kid or else I will lose myself. I don't know why, but it's horrible. I hate it at times. That's one of the reasons why I don't bother caring anymore. Caring... hurts, it's scary. So is making friends when you just know that everything is just going to end horrible. God knows, how the hell I managed to stay friends with Paul and Tom for so long. I seriously wondered when it would just... end. Like most of my friendships with people around my age. We all drift apart and I really believe that at times, I'm...

Helpless.

Helpess in doing something. Useless, nothing. My opinion doesn't matter so much as I would like it to be. I want to say one thing only to say another. I give up probably too easily but that's what I know. That's what I more or less conditioned myself to do. I want to win arguments, I want to compromise but I can't just... I can't do that. I don't want to be so headstrong but when I feel... like I'm not being part of something, I just don't feel right.

Either way... I deleted my main journal, or rather my first journal. It's only... temporary. I hope. I don't know at the moment, but right now... I just need to find myself--if I have a self--again and probably just... being an anonymous person on the web for a week will help. If anything, I should be feeling better once the 14th is done and over with. I'm too emotional and too easily... able to go into another mental breakdown. I already had two in the last twenty four hours, however, there was a large break in between.

If... If anyone remembers my last post in this journal... I'm almost one-hundred percent ready to cut ties but I'm not going to do that. Yet. I want to have a more stable head on my shoulders when I decide and... even though deleting my main journal was more of a spur of a moment... I can't help it. I need to do something or I'll do something even more drastic.

I hate it when I feel depressed and awful because I know I'm being selfish, that I'm being a bitch. I hate it when I hear that two of my favourite people are RPing without me that I feel left out, that I'm not good for them to say let's RP with. I feel inferior that maybe my skills as an RPer is lacking, that I'm unwanted. That I'm only a bother and nothing more that every time I want to RP with them that it's a chore for them to RP with me, especially when it seems obvious to them that they RP better just by themselves and without me...

It's not like my characters can be that vital... they can easily just fade into the background and it's sometimes nice to know that they're wanted but they can easily be mistaken for that, when it's also easy to believe that they (the players and their characters) are only pretending that I and my characters are really important if that makes sense.

I don't ask to RP because I don't want to appeal that selfish to them. I don't ask for it cause I don't want to bother them with my wants but at the same time I know that I should but I just can't...

Sometimes I'm assertive but most of the time I'm not. I can't just bring myself to be online or in real life and fuck that sucks, seriously.

The really sad part is that I've been noticing a pattern of my depression attacks recently and it deals with feeling left out or something similar to that in relation to the two of them. I miss RPing with one or the other in a one-on-one and ... I don't know. I just don't know. I hate this every time.

I lost most of my muses, if not all of them because I thought it was what they wanted. I killed the ones that we don't use much anymore and I don't know. They tried reviving them when I was resigned to just letting them stay dead. I hate them for it you know? I love them as people and as players but sometimes I just want to play the stuff I want to play and be involved which is rather a hard thing to do in a RP with three people but we mostly get it right anyway but still...

Being involved is how I know I'm wanted. How I know that I'm more than just a bother and that I'm worth something. I try to downplay it so much that I don't actively look for it anymore. I just want people to notice me for what I do and care for me because of it. I am not a emotionally stable person. I have self-esteem issues. Heck, I have social issues too.

When I want to be involved in something, I want to be involved with it completely.

...Maybe it's time to cut ties with them... they really don't need me anymore despite what they say... and I just feel like I'm only hindering them anyway.

What Do I fear?

Hmm... good question. I think what I fear the most might just be what I hate to do. Be a great disappointment for everyone. Especially myself. It's more than fearing what I do in life is a failure but in a way, disappointment is very similar to failure.

I have most of the summary, outline for my Boycott RP for the stupid RP that killed me out a few months back. >3 Let's see how she feels about this, huh?! xD

Probably should f-lock all my entries here to keep an air of anonymity when she immediately pounces on me for fucking copying her. Yeah. Right. >P

Frankly... they seem to get it a bit easier this time though my dad is still in denial. How lovely it must be to be him. Oh well, at least my mom says she'll let me try a Therapist appointment.

Now that it's been done, I can't say I'm not regretful. It's certainly better than the last time I tried to do this talk with them.

How easy it seems that all I had to say was I filled the gas of the Toyota and went to Church. Maybe going to church for the attack was just a good way to open up to them? I don't know. I did tell them about how detail orientated I was in commiting suicide back in May/June only not to due to the sheer fact about oversleeping. Heh. Not that they know the reason why I got depressed, or at least the entire reason... Just part of it.

I feel... better.

No seriously, how do you approach it? Do you just be blunt? Do you say it right out of the "blue"? Do you hint it and then tell them outright what you plan, or rather planned to do so many months ago?

Just how do you go about it when you know that's probably the only reason why they would finally believe you need to see a Therapist? Or better yet, do you write them an email and tell them what you thought of doing back in June, or was it May? I forget. Or rather I repress.

Do you tell them once they come home from work, all tired and exhausted from doing something they enjoyed(?)?

What is the best time to say that? What is the best time to know that you need to tell them before you get worse, not better?

I went to church today. Not to mass, just church and sat there for ten minutes. Yes, church. This coming from the same girl who at every mass curses out at God. I cried then for that ten minutes. I cried good and well... for a second depression attack, it felt better for a moment.

I'm not religious. I'm a spiritualist, yes but never religious in the way my family is. I'm not Catholic or I don't see myself as one despite being baptized and everything. Normally I try not to go to church, or begrudgingly go, yet today for a moment I just needed to go there and just cry. Crying in your room isn't the same after who knows how many times you did.

Dying is not an option in my head but is living? What am I living right now, doesn't really have that much meaning to it. When I try to stand out, I find myself wanting not to. I say I hate attention but I can't seem to get enough of it, annoying me to all ends. I want to be invisible but I want to be seen. I want to be non-existent--unimportant--yet for some people that's impossible.

I tell my parents not to buy me gifts for Christmas or my birthday because I don't think I did anything worthwhile for them. I told them I would like a Mustang (one they just bought me) for a car but I'm hardly ever serious about it, even when they are. I fail my classes, I drop them too because I can't seem to get it in my head that they are important though I know they are.

What are my long term goals? Be a voice actor? Be a novelist? Be someone known? That all seems meaningless right now. My short terms just are to live through the day and figure out how the hell I'm going to reach tomorrow.

Ok. I'm just going through a damn bloody attack right now. Another depression attack and I'm not exactly sure about the trigger for it. I'm crying yes. I'm fuckin' crying right now and fuck, I hate it. I was so sure that I was having a good time and then this fuckin' happened. When was my last attack anyway?

How long? Damn it. I thought I was getting better but now I just can't seem to get myself together right now. Maybe I was over due for it but...

Fuck. I hate having bloody attacks. I need help. Really.

I know I don't normally update the same "day" but I can't help myself. Really, I can't. It's so strange.

I just received an email from my very first friend from Elementary School. I have no idea how he found me so I just asked him but I think I'm in shock. Seriously. It's really out of the blue and god, I know for sure I can never really forget him. I'm fairly sure he was my first crush too! =O~

Right now I'm wondering how he is and what he looks like. He was a cute guy, loves Star Trek and well... he was really just one of those loner kids like me. We just banded together and just walked around the Elementary Playground. Lost track of him as soon as I went to a different Middle school as him. I moved to the next city but it was still different. Never saw him again and frankly... It's just strange to hear from him again.

And Tom? -laughs- This guy, well... He is sorta like Paul in a way, at least from what I remembered in Elementary. Maybe I was always destined to hang out with guys like him and Paul, huh? And no, that doesn't mean I have a crush on Paul!

I will admit that I found him fairly attractive the moment I saw him back in HB and we went to the movies after he's been in Pomona that first year but the events after that... The attraction just poof'd. It was more of the idea that I hadn't been with him so long that the shock of hanging with him again was just a bit more stronger than usual. What can I say? We've been friends since Middle School!

Oh and Paul? If you read this... You were my substitute for my Elementary Friend. No doubts about it. You were. Probably why I managed to hang out with you so much in the beginning rather than really being by myself. It was familiar. Now, however... You're not that Substitute. Not anymore. You can't be. I haven't been with said friend for awhile like I mentioned in this post thus far. I can't really compare the two of you.

Opening Credits:
Tip the Scales by Rise Against

Waking Up:
The Only One by Evanescence

Falling In Love:
Store Bought Bones by The Raconteurs

Fight Scene:
The Sharpest Lives by My Chemical Romance

Breaking Up:
Midnight Show by The Killers

Life's Okay:
Passing Sorrow by Nobuo Uematsu (FF9 Piano Collection)

Mental Breakdown:
The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars

Driving:
Lu:Na by Gackt

Flashbacks:
Reckless Fire by Ide Yasuaki

Regretting:
Life Less Frightening by Rise Against

Final Battle:
Away by Breaking Benjamin

Death Scene:
Life of My Own by Three Doors Down

End Credits:
DOLLY by Hyde

All interesting. All of them fits so that surprises me the most. It doesn't have all my new songs either but that's okay. My new laptop is still not working with my wireless. Hate that. I want it fixed this weekend but we'll see.

Life's good. Dad was ridiculing me again about my grades, god damn him. I don't give a fuck right now. It's just not worth it, not now anyway. I already know I have to repeat this course. I already know that with each class that has a bit of psychology in it, I just find out that I am with an undiagnosed disorder, be it ADHD, ADD, depression, Maniac or what have you. It's all stupid really but I just can't even try to bring it up without giving my Mom or Dad reason to believe me.

They'll just think I'm lazy and shit when I keep noticing that I do have symptoms of these disorders in me. It's only going to get worse, you know? Seriously worse. Someday, I seriously just have to tell my real doctor that I think I have a few undiagnosed disorders and that I want to see a Shrink to get analyzed. I'm twenty, turning twenty-one in roughly seven months for cryin' out loud!

Eh, whatever.

( Faked Privacy )